Friendship you need it!

Falling in Friendship-Catalyst ABC

Friendship/Relationship

           A few weeks ago I left the Northern Hospital where I had worked for over four and a half years. I had made many friends and over the last year we had endured a lot through a bitter work place enterprise agreement stoush with our employer. I felt very sad about leaving, not the place but the people and have been thinking about friendship/relationships and its meaning ever since. I know that I will miss these people and will not see many of them ever again. That is life, it keeps on moving but it is sad. ABC had a show on recently (See video) which cover this very topic it helped me.

           We are social animals           

Relationships are defined as a state of connectedness between people. This is hard in today’s society with its crazy rhythm of life, so removed from the great bulk of our evolutionary past. Modern humans have only been around for a couple of million years on a timescale  stretching back to primates seventy five million years ago. We have only concentrated together in large groups in the last five thousand years.

People now live in densely populated mega-cities, are largely sedentary, isolated in a pool of humanity, connected by optic fibers and wireless, but remote from their neighbours spending most of their time in the big office or workplace working for remote government or corporations.  We crave for relationships – with friends, family, or colleagues. We are social animals at our best and our worst. In the group or pack is where we find happiness and meaning in our lives.

The interactions between us are all important, this is what often defines us and makes us what we are. I have had many jobs, experiences, careers in my life and at the time the relationships I formed with the people around me were the most important in the world. I’ve relied on my work colleagues and friends as the ones who I depended on and related to. But when my situation changed, so did my friends and my relationships. Relationships are not permanent, they are the glue which paints your world as it is at the moment. When the scene changes so do your relationships.

 

            Relationships Are a Product of the Situation                    

When I was first working as an apprentice in Bendigo the boys I worked with were my mates and good friends. We hung out together, went to each other’s parties, dances and gatherings. We reveled in parties, engagement parties, weddings and celebrations. Today they are only a distant memory, they are a nice memory, but they are only a memory. Relationships are where you are at the moment.

 

            Relationships Are About You                     

Relationships are a product of you. They are all internal and you can only know others inside your own thoughts and mind. Your relationship with someone, its depth and scope is as dependent on you as the other person. You can only know about your relationship with somebody through your own self. What you think it is, is entirely internal and you really do not know what she thinks of you. You only think you know what she thinks of you, it may or may not be the reality. You cannot be completely sure.

 

            Relationships are all in your mind  

Your relationships with other people exists in your mind and hinge on your internal relationships. A well-developed, well nurtured person is able to work out the conflicts that are inherent and natural between the differing parts of the mind (Reptilian, Limbic, Cerebral Cortex). Relationships are only what you imagine them to be, coloured by your mindset and thought patterns. What you think the other person thinks of you, may or may not be real. It is hard to be objective when we view everything through the lens of our mind. The relationships we think we have may be just that, the relationships we think we have. Not in fact the relationships we do have.

 

The Evolution of Friendship

Some evolutionists and anthropologist now think that the size of our brains evolved because of our need to form friendships/relationships. We needed to form relationships to protect us from the outside dangers of animals, other tribes and to organize for survival. In fact Dunbar's number (150-see video) is the size of most peoples relationship circle and seems to be the ideal or maximum number we can handle. Military units, villages, clans, tribes, extended family groups all came in at this number. They even say that language developed because of this relationship need.

Who is a friend?

We like to be with people who are similar to us they mirror us and we have lots in common with them. Things Like:

• Language,
• Hobbies,
• Interests,
• Similar culture 
• Humour, and
• World View,

A different category of friend is one who you have shared a shared experience like war, trauma, danger, trial, project these friends may not fit the mould of your other friends but the experience will define your relationship and keep your friendship/relationship alive.

 

Some of us are better at being friends!

Some of us are better at being friends and making friends and this is largely determined by our genetic makeup and situation. But regardless our ability to have a healthy happy life is dependant on us having a loyal and sustainable group of friends who you love to be with and are there for you. So spend some time on your relationships/friends because they will sustain you and make your life whole.
John Condliffe